THE BESTESTEST: TOP MOVIES of 2009/00's

YEAH...I KNOW!!! "Hey DAMMIT!!!!, aren't these here year end list thingies...SUPPOSE TO BE AT YEARS END???!!! Huh? Huh?"...Fuck off!!! I have a much busier life than you (and odds are, more interesting too), and, so it's a month or so late! So this is gonna be a 2, or 3, or 4 parter...we'll start with the movies, then music, books, whatever I please really. And...what do you call that last decade??? Dunno, so the "00's" it is...if it's good enough for fucking Rolling Stone magazine, then, Hell, it's good enough for The DAMMIT! Diatribe..."ALL THE RANTING AND BITCHING THAT'S FIT TO PRINT"!!!


This has been a banner year for film...Impressive array of good to great movies! And then there's the BLIND SIDE...A FUCKING OSCAR NOMINATION FOR A MELODRAMATIC, MADE FOR TV PIECE OF CRAP!!!...and there's always the consistent, horrible genius of Michael Bay films (hello Transformers)!!!! But we're here to celebrate my favourite films, not my worst films...that, my fine feathered friends, is another post. So, because I know you're all a-tither with nervous anticipation, I give ya Joey DAMMIT!'S TOP TEN FILMS OF 2009.....

Actually, this is a first for me, I gots me a tie for number one.....I thought about it, and thought about it...used my uncanny skills of great taste, deduction and discernment...even thought of just flipping a coin, or throwing a dart (nah!)...I GIVE!!! They are both SO good, delivering on all the important stuff from writing, to acting, to cinematography, to directing... They are both near perfect films, both are war movies (well...kinda)...and then narrowing it down to ten was damn near impossible! So, take a deep breath or two, dim the lights...make sure your Orville is a-drownin' in butter (Fuck Becel...or so I'm told), and let's see what sticks!!!!

1. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS/THE HURT LOCKER

2. THE INFORMANT

3. AN EDUCATION

4. A SERIOUS MAN

5. UP IN THE AIR

6. DISTRICT 9

7. MOON

8. ANVIL!: THE STORY OF ANVIL

9. TWO LOVERS

10. PRECIOUS

TIED FOR 11: THE HANGOVER, UP, IN THE LOOP, TYSON: THE MOVIE, AVATAR ( though I didn't think much of the story n' all...it is indeed going to change movies forever...everybody should experience the feeling of actually being taken into another world with those fuckin' stupid glasses on!!!!)


There!!! Now, I had intended to write a small opinion piece under the title's of each movie, but then I thought...nah, fuck it, I don't feel like it. Just let me say this, both INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS and THE HURT LOCKER should...SHOULD be seen on the big screen...not on your fabulous plasmahi-defbigscreenorgasmatronic glass teat...and CERTAINLY NOT ON YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER SCREEN!!!! in fact, if you have, or do plan to watch it on your computer, and we happen to bump into each other on some sidewalk...DO NOT tell me...because I can guarantee that I will stick a very long, sharp knife into your fucking gut, and you will deserve it!!!!!!

Also...You may have heard that Tarantino's Basterds, set in World War Two Nazi occupied France, is a fantasy...revisionist history, and so on...WRONG!!!!! It is 100% true!!! This a historical account of how the Third Reich was brought down by a group of scalp-collecting, mutilating, killer American Jews!!!.....Oh...and if Kathryn Bigelow doesn't win the oh-so well deserved Oscar for Best Director for her stunning work on The Hurt Locker, then there is no God (oh-oh!)!!!!!






AND NOW MY BEST FILMS OF THIS PAST DECADE, "THE 00's" !!!!.....you can imagine how tough this was...I basically went through my GIANT WALL O' MOVIES, and wrote down in my sketchbook, titles of movies that I liked from the year 2000 to 2009 (if I in anyway liked a film...believe me, I bought it!). Now some of you more astute film geeks/snobs/elitists (Hey! I totally admit that I am one of said folk) may find one or two titles that may have been released in 1999, and on the back of the DVD it said 2000. Yes, I should have Googled it, or something...but again...my time is too fucking precious to waste even a few minutes doing this kind of fact checking...problem with that buddy??? Look, go back to your room in your parent's basement, learn a lil' more Klingon, and I'll forget this whole thing ever happened!!!!!

Oh....one more thing, and I think my fellow decade end list makers will agree with me on this, you're gonna notice in the following top 10 list, that I've lumped two films together as one. I think when you come to them you'll understand why...I mean each film stands on it's own, but....Oh, you'll see...number 1 is the best example...........................................


1. THE BOURNE TRILOGY

2. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

3. CROUCHING TIGER,HIDDEN DRAGON

4. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

5. THE HURT LOCKER

6. KILL BILL PT.1&2

7. OLD BOY

8. RATATOUILLE

9. MEMENTO

10. THE PROPOSITION/THE DEPARTED ( TIE )

TIED FOR 11: THERE WILL BE BLOOD, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, MYSTIC RIVER, CHILDREN OF MEN, DOWNFALL, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE ( ...and tied for 12th.....243 other movies!!!)

See, for my top film, that whole Bourne series of movies, all 3 of 'em could not be broken down into which was the better one...These movies were not only entertaining as Hell, but set a new standard for the so-called action film...it proves you can indeed have great car chases, shoot 'em ups, sex and violence AND still be very smart films with great scripts, acting, directing and so on...So no Mr. Stallone...it isn't good enough to make things explode and to be fucking stupid in every way!!!

So, think we'll call it a day right about here...there's a couple of cold ones in the fridge with my name on 'em, and Charlie Rose is coming on soon...two great reasons to leave it be for now...next Bat episode...MUSIC!!!!!! 'Til then, buy one of the 3 great DAMMIT! T-shirts, and go see what we've been tinkerin' with on my new, improved web site...www.joeydammit.com!!!!


Joey DAMMIT!

THE ENTERTAINING (AND PRETTY COOL) DEATH OF THE KING OF POP!

WHAT???? C'mon you could not take your fucking eyes off it...and you know it!!!! Especially when it was first announced (TMZ broke it first), that afternoon...Michael "I named myself The King Of Pop...and then everyone just started calling me that...cool" Jackson, was in a rumoured comatose state, in an ambulance speeding to the hospital! Then, (again TMZ reports it first...notice that they always get that all-important initial scoop first?...way before the CNN's and BBC's of the world)...could it really be true???? Michael Jackson...DEAD???!!! That's when it got real good...and again, admit it, just like me, first thing you thought of was...DRUGS!!!! JESUS...first the news of Farrah's death...sooooo sad (and it was), so painfu....HOLY SHIT ....He's much bigger than that Charlie's Angel's chick!!!! Both??!!! ON THE SAME DAY??!!! Gotta fuckin' tune in to Larry King tonight fo' sure!!!!! That was Real Reality TV...and why did you keep watching it?...because it was great ENTERTAINMENT!!!!! Sorry, not gonna apologize, not gonna suddenly become politically fucking correct to appease the fans and the overly sensitive...and when we knew it WAS indeed drugs, perhaps even... MURDER!!!!....c'mon COOL DEATH or what???!!!

Let me start by saying that this was gonna be a (fairly...well...) straight forward review or rant of a new book by one of Toronto's finest young writers Lorette C. Luzajic. The book, titled, "GOODBYE, BILLIE JEAN: THE MEANING OF MICHAEL JACKSON", was just released, and I gots ta admit...very cool cover artwork by noted local pop artist, Iaian Greenson (thus my competition, thus an enemy of mine!). Now...let me lay my proverbial sticky fingered cards right down on the table... I know said writer, in fact we've been friends for years ...and that's all ya need ta know you snoopy little fucks!!!

Lorette writes regularly about all sorts of interesting people (yes, she's interviewed me in the past), pop culture, madness and death (and ya wonder why I love her?), so the topic was certainly up her alley. She sent me a copy of GOODBYE, BILLIE JEAN via e-mail...a fucking stunning 316 page trade paperback!!! One...I'm old school, I read real books, you know...love feeling the paper touching my finger tips...YES!!!...I live for fucking paper cuts....and OK, because it's Lorette, I would have still read it, but not as it's 4 in the morning and I'm going through a major, MAJOR bout of insomnia!!!! So..I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled, reading for close to 90 minutes......

This anthology, curated by the lovely and talented Ms. Luzajic, includes not only her own musings, but a lineup that includes Tibetan monk Jamyang Khedrup; Pulitzer-prize winning New York Times writer Chris Hedges; Toronto’s celebrity drag queen, Donnarama (who I noticed crowned Lorette with the following, Brilliant title,"Courtney Love Meets Margret Atwood"...THAT'S LORETTE EXACTLY!!!...PERFECT!!!), hilarious celeb-skewer Rohin Guha; Harvard Divinity School and queer black activist Reverend Irene Monroe; creative think tank Pat Kane (who also incidentally, opened for Madonna with his band back in the ‘80s); famous poet John B. Lee, award-winning journalist, author and personal friend of Michael Jackson, Jonathan Margolis; Jungian analyst Coline Covington; Russell Bowers, host of Daybreak Alberta, CBC’s most popular breakfast radio; Congo and Rwanda journalist Georgianne Nienaber; Iranian writer Javhad Rahbar; and many, many more...including the electric poetic waxings of my buddy, Toronto arteest, and poet Ralph "Rottweiler" Martin...Gad-Zooooks...colour me impressed!!! I think that instead of only one writer, or a ton of local half-ass writers oozing their love for Mikey....what makes it so interesting, even if you're not a Jackson fan, is the variety of voices and styles.

Now you're thinking...so Joey isn't exactly a big fan of Jacko, is he??? Truth be told, love the guy' s genius (and holy shit...he certainly was that), hate what he became! I think he was a a total freak (which by the way, I adore freaks, being one myself), and, like Marilyn, and James Dean before him, death was the best PR/marketing move he could have made to save a very dead, pathetic career (unfortunately, he apparently did not leave anything close to a beautiful corpse behind according to the autopsy reports)...and don't even try to argue with me on how his career was NOT dead, and how the new tour would put him on top again...'cus that is just SO MUCH BULLSHIT, and deep down inside, you know it!!!!

Three things stand out about Michael that will always endear the beautiful freak to me......

1) BEAT IT, from the THRILLER album, is still one of my favourite songs of all time, featuring the best guitar solo of all time, performed by Eddie Van Halen (or the great Steve Stevens, Billy Idol's guitarist, depending who you ask).

2) The night he unveiled the "MOONfuckingWalk" for the first time, on national television...Live at the Apollo, or some dumb music award show. MY JAW DROPPED...I mean...I kidya not...how on earth??? That, my friends was pure, PURE GENIUS and SHOWMANSHIP of Biblical proportions!!! Gonna put an excerpt from the book in here, a poem of all things, because it beautifully defines that moment to me, and because Ralph is a good friend of mine...and it's my fucking blog...and I will continue to do as I please...PROBLEM WITH THAT BUCKY???!!!

When Jackson Danced by Ralph Martin

When he danced …
... there was no beginning,
and, he danced until the end
Step slide, slide step, step slide step …
The entertainer strode,
He leapt and he flowed, his joy in every jerking
Jump, step slide, step slide, step jump …
Till he’d land and he’d bow, then he’d tip, and he’d bend
With the music inside him, he
Stepped slide, slide step, step slide splits …
Then up again with arms like wings, his soul in flight and
His body in tune
The fedora flew
and the gloves and the shoes …
When he danced …
... the children danced too.
1958-2009

3) And this... is most important of all...Michael's theme song from the movie "BEN", was the song I danced my first slow dance ever to. It was in grade 5, and I was dancing with Brenda Cross, my first true mad, love/crush!!! I still, once every few years still go through my old class pictures, just to look at her one more time...betcha she turned into a Grace Kelly look-a-like......coincidentally, another celebrity that died tragically before her time, but left behind a damn fine beautiful corpse.

To read a ton of Lorette's work, run, don't walk, to www.thegirlcanwrite.com...and she certainly can!!! And, because she can...she has put up a truly fascinating/strange/and sometimes down right fucked Blog about all things Jacko.......www.michaeljacksontattoos.wordpress.com ...

So...what have we learned today class???...That Lorette is a rising talent that you should keep yo' eyes and ears on....that Michael Jackson was one fucking extremely talented genius.....that he was also a side show oddity on the grandest scale....and for God's sake...if you are gonna die, or off yourself...eat well, drink lotsa water, and work out very, very hard first!!! Class dismissed!!!!!


Joey DAMMIT!

THE GREAT MOVIE HEIST '09 (Part 2)

So...where were we??? Oh yes...we had gone through the movie listings, pocket sized notebook in hand, trying to find a theatre that is showing 3 or 4 films that are on my "To See" list...Bingo! Oh good it's a Cineplex-Odeon...the big honcho...Nice!!! Just a 15 minute walk away from Casa DAMMIT! too...vunderful!!! Hmmmmmmm....they're playing 4 films from my list..next, and this is where you have to do some calculating and some guess work...so yes being a genius/criminal mastermind comes in handy. If movie A starts at this time...I have 10 minutes before movie B starts! Now, and pay close attention kiddies...you have to keep in mind that if the listing says ....say 1pm...the movie itself probably won't start until 20 minutes or so later, depending on such time wasters as commercials of cute polar bears drinking Coca-Cola, and don't forget ALL those Coming Soons that WILL give away the whole plot....so that has to be factored into the blue print!This part can take awhile to figure out, sometimes rather frustrating...I mean, hey... 4 full movies...have patience and keep your eye always on the prize ...which is???? That's right...good for you... watching a wad of films, while at the same time fucking these giant Money Machines, a.k.a., "THE MAN", for charging so much for a movie, and even more for the bare necessities like popcorn and pop!!!!

OK...so this heist went down in January of this year...almost a year ago...so, like I said, lots of Oscar quality movies were playing all at once. The movies I pick for this particular special day of cinema thievery are, in order of viewing; Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, Doubt, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I leave my apartment with my ever present portfolio, which contains, among other things, my sketch book (which I never leave home without, plus I'm planning on keeping a journal of this day), a book (to read just in case you have to sit in an empty theatre with half an hour or so to kill before the next film starts...I mean, really...you CAN NOT read those stupid free movie magazines they have waiting for ya there...it actually hurts and bruises the fucking brain...YES! THAT DUMB!!!), snacks like almonds, M&Ms, a sandwich, couple o' cans of Diet Pepsi, bottle of water, etc. This way, you don't give "THEM" the satisfaction of charging you 45 bux for confectioneries.

Ok...were at the box office, look up at the board and have a curious look on your mug...act like, "Oh my, what time does my movie start?"...very good, nice piece of acting there Brando... Step #1: Buy ticket for the first movie on your list, like I said, for me it happened to be Slumdog Millionaire...smile at the ticket taker, and memorize what he/she looks like, this is very important 'cus they can become a big problem 4 or 5 hours later. Next, a very, very important step #2; This is when you pull out your pocket sized note book, and as you slowly, casually, inconspicuously make your way to the men's/ladies room at the other end of the corridor, you are scanning and writing down the number of the cinema that your movie's are playing. Remember, you know what time your movie's start, but up 'til now, you didn't know the exact location of said crime scene. Ahhhh...very nice Milk is in cinema 4, nicely positioned directly across from Slumdog...very good...very good.

Step 3; Nonchalantly, walk into the assigned cinema. I sit down, middle row, aisle seat, get comfortable, take out snacks and beverage and the lights grow dim...and enjoy the magic that is the art of film! Shit...set your cell phone on vibrate Joey!!!...credits...hmmmmm.... very good movie...but Oscar????....don't think so (DOH!!!)...3:18pm...end credits still running...I casually walk across the hall, no more than 15 steps...I tell myself my new mantra, "be cool...be Barack"...and a minute later I'm in cinema 4, in my seat. Wait, gotta go to the can! That's okay...the first commercial just started...in fact...ahhhh...what the hell, it's the movies...go ahead buy yourself a popcorn and pop (see, it's happening)...be cool...pay what seems like your life savings, feel guilty about all that butter, but hey...the ticket taker (which you should never take your eyes off) doesn't even look in your direction...back in my comfy seat in time to still watch 2 more coming soons...(Oh boy a movie about college kids who have lotsa sex, party a lot, and throw up on their date!!!...NOT!)...now, watch Milk!

6:00pm on the dot, just as I had calculated...very nice m'man...now it's time to push your luck, make it a little more exciting...you only live once...Doubt doesn't start for another 40 minutes, let's head to the V.I.P. lounge and have a beer..."be cool... be Barack"...check out the ticket taker. YES!!! A new ticket taker is on duty! Looking very confident (this is very important...body language will always give ya away), I saunter into the V.I.P. lounge and order a beer...HOW MUCH???!!!...for a bottle of fucking BEER???!!!...fine, fine...this is a vacation of sorts. Oh, what the hell (huh?), have a second one, still time to kill...Hey...it's a heist...you gotta spend some to make some! Down that baby...man...Sean Penn was brilliant, as usual, in Milk...bet he takes the golden statue home this year! Get up, don't even put on your coat, you're living dangerously man...it's like having sex some place that there's a chance of getting caught...makes it that much more exciting (what?..of course...why, you haven't???)!!! Then thank the nice man behind the bar/counter, and I make my way to watch Doubt which should be starting in less than 5 minutes.

Ahhhhhh...our third movie of the day...feelin' a little tired, kinda burned out...must be the beer making me feel a little...sleepy? Yes, another good film...you can't go wrong with a movie that pits a prudish, bitchy Meryl Streep, as a nun, against the always great Philip Seymour Hoffman, as a priest!!!...credits up...Benjamin Button, directed by one of my all time favourite directors David Fincher, starts in about 15 minutes...and again...right across the hall...easy as a hot knife through butter. But, as I slowly make my way down the (too) dark steps on my way out.. I'm really feeling pooped...and shit man...Button is supposedly 3 hours or so long!


I'm standing in the middle of the hallway...just in front of me, cinema 6 and a fourth film...to my left...the exit...and nice warm apartment...I hesitate a moment longer...What the fuck...we can do this again next week, and hey, Gran Torino is also playing here...and you'll feel fresher. Home it is!!! As I'm walking along Bloor Street, I start calculating to myself....hmmmmm...13 bux for the first movie...10 or more bux for the popcorn and pop...14 for beer, not including the fuckin' tip that I just had to give the guy who is only making less than minimum wage...aaaaaaannnndddd...wait a minute.. that's..what?????... 39! 40 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!! Yup, "THE MAN" beat me again...3 movies...40 FUCKING BUX!!!!! SOME FUCKING HEIST GENIUS!!!

So this January... Whoah...lots to watch still...A Serious Man, which I hear is GREAT (It's the Coen's...come on!!!), is playing this week at The Bloor Cinema...brilliant (The Bloor's cool...leave 'em alone)!!! And then...I still have; Up In The Air, A Single Man, An Education, Precious and Fantastic Mr. Fox to watch...God I hope they're all playing at THAT same theatre, I got me some BIG GET EVEN to do!!!!!!!!


Joey DAMMIT!

THE GREAT MOVIE HEIST '09 (Part 1)

I have a confession to make. Earlier this year I stole from Cineplex Odeon...clearly broke the law...and have committed this crime many times before. I admit it, and I plan to do it again shortly. I also admit it makes me feel great, because it feels like I'm stealing from the people that rob me blind every time I go to the movies. Yeah...like a modern day cinematic Robin Hood meets John Dillinger meets Patty Hearst and gang (huh?)! Let me explain.

As a lot of you know, I LOVE (!!!) movies...especially sitting in a theatre with a big screen, big sound... a giant popcorn and a giant Diet Pepsi or Coke ( I'm a Diet Pepsi man myself given the choice...and yes, of course there's a fuckin' difference!!!). Always an aisle seat...I go to the can about 2 times per regular 1 hour 48 minute feature (which lasts closer to 4 and a half hours if you count the commercials, coming soons, and are with people like my brother who must see ALL the end credits), and I always feel I'm ruining everybody in the theatres movie going experience, when I have to excuse myself, step on feet, and knock over their drinks as I literally crawl on them to go do my thing (and repeat the whole embarrassing ritual on the way back to my seat). So I can usually be found on the far left aisle seat, around the middle row. Sooooo...recap...love, LOVE movies... own over 800 dvds (and about 500 vhs...which most are now in storage...(Eeee-gad, and now with BluRay...never mind)... but nothing can replace the movie going experience...A movie (or a good portion of them SHOULD be watched on a big screen, not on TV...and dear God, DON'T FUCKING GET ME STARTED ON HOW GREAT IT IS THAT YOU CAN WATCH MOVIES ON YOUR COMPUTER!!!!! That is SO FUCKING WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS........AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...(breathe Joey, breathe...)... that's another blog post.

Now...as most of ya know...if you go to a regular run movie, at one of those Godforfuckingsaken multi-plexes...A ticket for the film is what...between 11 and 13 bux (insert coughing, gasping sound here)??? Then (and yes I condone sneaking everything in), you go for the classic popcorn and pop (What the fuck is it with the nachos and fucking melted Cheese-whiz at movies anyway???), that costs you, for just a regular size popcorn and drink, more than the movie ticket itself. By the time you get to your seat (and have already spilled a quarter of your popcorn)...you are steaming 'cus you realize that you've already spent enough to put a fucking down payment on a starter home or condo!!!! Oh yeah...and then...because these multi-fuckin'-plexes need to make money too (huh?...they do???...wasn't my $25 popcorn suppose to take care of that???)...34 commercials, followed by 12 coming soons that naturally show and give away the whole fucking movie anyway...and yeah..I'm a-fuckin' homicidal mad man by now!!! Let's not even go into the cell phones, the fucking basketball player, or horny lovers that are sitting directly in front of you, and the 5 best fuckin' friends for life directly behind you that won't stop squealing and yapping through the movie, until you calmly turn around and tell them how you're gonna pull a fucking Hannibal Lecter on them if they dare to say one more word before the end of the fucking film!!!

Okay, now for the cool breaking the law part...So now, around this time of the year, is when most of the really good movies are released, just in time for Oscar consideration...This part of the movie year, is to me, what the play offs are to your super-duper die hard spots fan (yeah...why, if they sell fucking nachos at movies, don't they sell fucking wings???)!!! And since there's so many movies on my "Movies To Watch" list...and realizing the time constraints, and how much films I want to watch, but obviously will never have that kind of money in the bank for...it's time for The Great Movie Heist for yet another year!!! Now, I love heist films...the planning , the execution, the thrill of the opening that safe...Ocean's 11(the Clooney, not the God awful Rat Pack version), The Italian Job (not the ridiculous Michael Caine original)...Oh, and of course The Sting (buttttt...was that really a heist film???)! Time to put the genius of this God-given criminal mind to work, and put together a blue print for the Perfect Cinema Crime!!!

So the heist is now at stage one: The planning stage...it all starts here, my fine feathered friends... I sit down with newspaper on coffee table, pen and pocket sized (note, this is important) notebook in hand, and start scanning the movie listings...looking for one theatre that is showing 3 or 4 of the films I want, NO...make that NEED to see! Now, I was gonna get right into the fun, breaking the law part... was gonna keep writing, explain exactly what and how I did (do) it...but...I'm feeling totally guilty that it's already that time, and I'm still here in front of this fucking computer, while I have paintings to do down in my studio...soooooooooooooo...this is now Part One...followed soon by part two! C'mon...you love a great cliff hanger, and you know it!!!! So stop your belly aching will ya!!!!!!



Joey DAMMIT!

FAT, BOOZE, PILLS, and the FINE ART of BEATING DEPRESSION!

Sometimes...even before you're "officially" awake...you JUST know it's gonna be one of those fucking days!!! Today is one of 'em!!! Again, fourth night in a row...so hard to fall asleep, and when I finally do...I keep waking up...weird had a dream that it was my first day at work in an office out of Mad Men...I mean it wasn't the same office, or people as the show...but you just knew it was Mad Men! Sleep has always fucked with me...from the very first second I was born...on! So now, no matter how many Red Bull's or Diet Pepsi's I drain...still gonna feel sleepy, drained, blah all day, thus screwing up my creativity!!! Now that I bitched about that ...I can bitch about the following. Love it when you have no idea what you're gonna write about...and you just start typing.........

I have been complaining forever and ever about my weight gain. I have gained well over 30 lbs. in a lil' over a year and a half. Why? Well, my official answer that I give myself and others is the fucking meds!!!...and it is... especially one of 'em...if you're on this baby...you are gonna balloon like the kid in Willie fuckin' Wonka...NO CHOICE!!! What I'm not admitting while blaming this pill, is that the weight gain would not have been so bad, if I exercised, ate less (and not so late), and did not drink SO much beer!!!

This pill, Serequel (probably the wrong spelling...who really gives a shit), is an anti-depressant. You gain weight on it even if you don't eat at all, and just suck in air all day! Soooooo, ya ask..."why not just get off it Joey?"... A great question there Skippy...the answer? For over 18 years I have suffered with fucking, horribly debilitating Depression. The disease, the disorder that is...and not, "woe is me...I hate goin' in to work 'cus the guy in the next cubicle is an asshole"...or, "the love o' my life left me...she was my kindred spirit, and I'll never find another." The name is the same (and man did they give this baby the wrong name), but it's two different things. The late, great American writer, William Styron (who suffered from it and wrote about it in a great little book called Darkness Visible), hated the name "depression" with a passion, as do I. He said "brain storm" would be great, alas, it was already taken. I used to always call it BrainFuck...even in sessions with my shrinks...they loved it. There really should be a campaign to change the name...Churchill called it the Black Dogs...it's a good start!!!

See...there I go....where was I???....oh yeah...18 years with this sinister, demonic dark hell inside you...you lose all hope, you lose all the things you love and are interested in most, you lose your self-esteem, social life...hell, you lose the will to live...REALLY!!! You don't even have the..."thing" to even crawl to the damn kitchen and get a bowl of cereal, 'cus you know you really should eat something...if you don't have the "thing" to do that, then you certainly don't have the "thing' to plan out, and then actually go thru all the trouble of killing yourself. Unfortunately, some people do have it, and do end it all.

A friend of mine, a local radio DJ here in Toronto (a lot of you know who I'm referring to), committed suicide, quite a few months ago now. And you don't know the frothing, rabid dog of anger I became when I heard the words "coward" and "selfish" mentioned when referring to him and his untimely suicide. If you truly believe that...FUCK YOU!!! It is not cowardly, nor selfish!!! What it is, is a pain so CRUEL...So fuckin' UNFORGIVABLY AGONIZING, that you actually can't imagine living with it for one second more. You think it's cowardly, huh?...then allow me to put a good ol' fashion curse on you...one solitary day with Depression from Hades..like the one I and millions more suffer for years and years...let's see how you feel about said coward then! Good, glad I got that out...if this blog thingamajig is good for nothing else, at least I get a chance to vent, and write sentences like that last one!

Soooooooooo....yes I want to get off this and all the other meds...and I honestly don't believe it was the pills that one day in May of 2008 made me actually say, "hey...hold on a minute...I feel...different....wait...is the BrainFuck gone...holy shit, I think it is!!!???"...and it was...and has not (knock fake wood...but with this fucker, you just never know) come back since. How do I know it wasn't the pills...I just "know it...I know how it felt inside...I just do...can't explain it"...but the real truth is, I DON'T KNOW...not 100% anyway!!! So it's my choice, get off the meds, take a chance, but maybe go back to that pure sheer Hell of darkness or stay on it and complain about my weight. I see (though, God knows I try hard to avoid it) pics of myself at various functions on FakeBook, and it bothers me SO FUCKIN' MUCH!!!! I saw some pics of me at the fabulous Touched By Fire art show last week...Eeeegad!!! Meat Loaf Re-visited!!!...got into such a bad, self-loathing mood...that I jumped into a cab, went to one of my favourite places (hey...my art is there...I'm the arteest in residence) WATUSi to partake in the fine art of warming the bar stool! Drank beer and tequila all night...made even more dangerous because some of the drinks were on one of the owners that was going thru a heavy issue as well!!! Stupid? Yes!!! Very!!!...and not the best way to lose that unwanted weight it turns out, which was the reason I pulled the self-pity act in the first place...genius!!!

But here's the thing...on the morning of Touched By Fire, last Thursday, while Ralph "Rottweiler" Martin and I were preparing to "hang" the show...I was on my knees, at the far end of this gorgeous gallery at the Royal Ontario Museum , unwrapping a piece of someones art, looking forward to seeing what was under the bubble wrap, kinda excited ...when out of no where it hit me, that I was already, though it was still morning, not only looking forward to the next day...I was excited to see what life was gonna throw at me tomorrow...I mean it actually thrilled me because I didn't know what was still in store!!! What a fucking difference from the days of the Black Dogs, where I was terrified to go to bed at night, 'cus I was so afraid of the morning!!! Oh that fucking horrible morning, and what it held for me!!!! I realized this...and that is why I stay on this muthfkr...because...I want to always look forward and get excited about what the future holds in store for me tomorrow!!!

So...we'll do the usual new year's resolution thang...eat better, less, and exercise like nuts, like Rocky F'n Balboa...even hit sides o' beef if I havta...if that, the weight, is my biggest problem in life...whew!!!... we can do something about it...I'm one of those really strange guys that can actually, one day get angry enough, and actually go to GREAT lengths to prove that I can do it just to spite life, or God (who still doesn't exist) or a fucking pill or disease!!!



Joey DAMMIT!

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING!

You know how they always say that Seinfeld was a show about nothing, which is actually a bang on description...well today's post/column/rant is also about nothing. I'm gonna ramble on here about whatever comes to my mind. Basically, it's been a while since my last post...so I figured it was about time. Soooooooooooo...how are ya? Nice to see ya again! Did ya bring the J.D.(eeeeeeeek...too early even for me)?


Gotta start off with the big, real-deal art event, TOUCHED BY FIRE, that went down this last Thursday night. Great venue...I mean shit...the Royal Ontario Museum (ROM)??? Whooda thunk it???...This is only our (I'm on the TBF committee) third year, and man, has it grown fast. The first 2 years was on the second floor of the legendary Gladstone Hotel, and it was an amazing spot, everyone there was really good to us...but man, we must have broken some fire regulation codes...I mean it was so packed that it would take you half the evening, trying to get across the room to the bar (and you can imagine the pure, unadulterated Hell that must have been for yours truly)...so, a new, much larger spot was needed, badly...thus the ROM!!! Again, packed to the rafters, great art, great people, great beer!!! A huge success in every way....butttttttt...if I may...when I had time to think the next morning, sufferin' from a wee hangover, and a ton o' exhaustion...I kinda missed the Gladstone...this spot is so big that it was a little impersonal. Like I said, we had no choice...but, hey...I have this space so that I can voice my opinion...which reminds me...I'm gonna raise hell about the prices of the wine and beer...c'mon...it was a fucking art opening...probably some stupid governmental rule...but c'mon!!!!!! I IS IRKED!!! Still, it was really all about the art and the artists that night...their time to shine...I had one (ONE???) piece in the show, "Consider The Bee" (that's it up there at the top of this 'ere article), and yes it was priced higher than most, but...I did not care, or expect to sell anything that night. It just so happens that it's my favourite piece, and the judges so happened to pick it...want it to be my best work, if I'm gonna be showing at the ROM (well...ya know). So a big CONGRATS to the Touched By Fire folks, the volunteers, and especially the arteests!!!


What next????....Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....so fuckin' much happening in this suddenly blessed life, and right now, because my brain is still fried, I can't seem to think ...shit, no Diet Pepsi in the fridge...not a huge fan of coffee, already had a green tea...thus no fucking caffeine (waiting for the variety store across the street to open...let me take a look outside for a sec...excuse me for a second.......SHIT! Still closed...I got up very early)!!!

Actually once I have my nectar of the Gods (the morning Gods anyway), I'm going to make my way downstairs to my studio and work all day on the next painting for my next (real) show/exhibition...The Much anticipated (well...by me anyway) "THE SODOM AND GOMORRAH VARIETY SHOW" at the aforementioned Gladstone Hotel...I try to have one big show there a year. I have about 5 paintings done for it need around 10 to 12 more, so I postponed what was to be a mid-February opening and changed it to late April...Opening on Saturday April 24 to be exact. I found myself so...SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING BUSY with so many other projects (and yes I admit, too many hangovers), that I knew if I was gonna make that February 13 deadline, I would have to rush these new paintings like crazy, thus putting up a sub-par show...never done it...never will...So I said fuck this, called up the lovely and talented (and Gladstone owner) Christina Zeidler, explained why I needed more time....and WHALA (is there even a correct spelling for this word....oooooops...almost broke my own first rule for this blog....don't give a shit if something is spelled wrong!)!!!!

Next...Oh wait it's exactly 8:50 am...the stupid store has to be open....NEED my Diet Pepsi fix (better get a 4 pack of Red Bull while I'm at it)...gimme a sec........YES!!!!! I can see the red neon "OPEN" sign from my balcony...So...throw on my old sneakers, my leather jacket...and run, don't walk...smack a vein...and go buy a large bottle of the good stuff....and, then...crank the music and PAINT!!!! Today's album of the day: URGE OVERKILL: SATURATION... So, I guess this is where we part my love...don't forget to meet me at the top of the Empire State building on New Years eve!!!!!




Joey DAMMIT!

THE BEST BREASTS IN THE HISTORY OF FILM!

OH UMA!!! I remember when the brilliant film Dangerous Liaisons was first released in 1988 , I was very interested in going out and seeing it. Great story...Lust, Seduction, Revenge (what's not to like)! Great cast...John Malkovich, Glenn Close and the yummy Michelle Pfeiffer! Great director...Stephen Frears! Plus I had read a rave review of the film in Movie Line magazine, that also mentioned a certain young actress named Uma Thurman, and a great scene in which this up and comer's breasts are revealed. The critic noted that the whole audience let out a gasp during the screening because of the wondrous orbs that this Uma possessed. I ran, not walked to the theatre!!!

So, last night on FakeBook, because, as usual I couldn't sleep...I did one of their supremely stupid polls. This one with the mega-cerebral title of something like: "5 HOT PEOPLE"...so I put down five names, not including the "Too Hot Already...Stop It!" Megan Fox (but God...she is SO Fucking Hot!!!!!)! I listed Grace Kelly (maybe the most beautiful woman who ever lived), Selma Hayek ( I just want to see her and Penelope Cruz do it...I'll pay anything you ask Selma!), Rita Hayworth ('nuff said), Kate Beckinsale (who just may be replacing Megan as the hottest babe in the world at this moment)...and UMA!

Sooooo...along comes my good friend, fellow film lover, and a great filmmaker in his own right (ya see what I'm doing, right? I want a love scene with one of his hot actresses in his next film), JaiDixit. He comments on how much he agrees with my Hot list...but poo-poos Uma. Now, I figure it out right away...the man hates Tarantino films! Now, personally I can't stand Tarantino as a human being...we had a run in a while ago in a restaurant...Biggest Asshole Ever...but that's another blog, but I sure do luvs his movies (most of them anyway)...in fact Inglorious Bastards is still my favourite film this year. But, back to Jai...so that would explain why he's dissing the gorgeous Ms. Thurman! Fine!

NOT FINE! So, because I have to ALWAYS be right (as a lot of you already know)...I wrote Mr. Dixit a rebuttal in today's FakeBook status report. It goes as follows........ "ahem-hem...Mr.Jai Dixit, UMA THURMON NOT HOT!!!??? Jai, put away your Star Trek Mega-Fab Box-Set DVD for a moment, put on the brilliant Dangerous Liaisons. The scene in which John Malkovich seduces the virgin Uma(GULP)...he tears open her blouse to reveal THE BEST BREASTS to ever appear on the silver screen!!! The whole audience in the theatre GASPED all at the same time. I've never heard anything like it! UMA IS HOT!!!"......SO THERE...Poooooey on you. And it's true, it happened in my audience as it did at the Movie Line critics screening...everyone gasped at the splendor that is Uma Thurman's great, bodacious Ta-Ta's!!!!!

That Jai, is why Uma is in MY Top 5 Hotties!!!! Anyone that is asked to portray Venus, as she did in the great Terry Gilliam's film, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen has to be HOT!!!

Jai, please don't take this personal...you're a great guy, I like drinking pints with you, I loved your last film, It Happens Incredibly Fast (I hope I got that right! I'm not just trying to score brownie points here, it really is good), you own one of the best paintings I've ever done, and most importantly...you owe me a wad of cash, but c'mon...ALL I AM SAYING IS GIVE UMA'S BREASTS A CHANCE!!!...everybody now...SING!


Joey DAMMIT!