Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011: THE GOOD, THE BAD and the F'n RIDICULOUS (Part 1)

Here we is...Here we is. Welcome 2012!!!! Last night, I personally took the year 2011 down to my hidden, sound proof basement, and did everyone I know a favour. I tortured, killed, and then with trusty chainsaw in hand, chopped up that fucking year, a la Dexter. You're more than welcome. Alas, that does bring us to the subject of this entry, yup...yet another year end review/ lists/awards thingy-thing-thing. It's been such a fucked up year for a good majority of the citizens of this deteriorating blue planet, that I'll never be able to do it justice. Still...the fans demand it (you must have seen all the angry crowds on the news), so who am I to deny them?

Like I said, there will be lists, awards, op-ed rants of all the important news headlines of last year...and if there's time, I may even do a lil' song and dance routine for y'all. Let's just start with a biggy, get this baby right out of the way.

And now this year's DAMMY Award for "The Most Fucking Ridiculous Food, Plant, Place, Person or Thing", goes too (drum roll please)...Toronto Mayor Rob Ford!!!!!! I know...I know...if you live outside of Canada, you're now going, "Huh? Whooooo?", and for that I apologize, but for my fellow Torontonians, they totally understand how and why he easily walked away with this prestigious honor. Take a bow big fella. Look I can be here forever, describing him, and all his boneheaded moves, but to help you Americans out a bit (see most recent photo of famed Toronto Mayor above)...take one of your far right wingnut candidates vying for Presidency, give them a partial frontal lobotomy, add a good deal of weight, remove their neck, tighten their tie...and you have our award winning right honorable mayor. Like your Republicans, and fellow Tea Partiers, he has finally proven the out-there theory, that dumb, ignorant and stupid, is, in fact, the "New Genius"! You get the picture, right?

Moving right along....let's do a little of the ol' "Love/Hate" list-a-majig that you all love so well....

LOVE...the way that social media like Facebook and Twitter have played such a gigantic role in helping those protesters, especially in the heavily censored middle east, win their revolutions over power-hungry, greedy, blood -thirsty tyrants, dictators and regimes.

HATE...the way that social media has become so powerful, so adored, slobbered and made love to by the masses, that it has practically killed real human contact, and destroyed one of mankind's greatest inventions, the art of the stimulating conversation (you know who you are...shame on you!).

LOVE...watching the news. I am a certifiably, grade A, government inspected news and information junkie. That's why I'll always beat your ass, but bad, in Trivial Pursuit, NTN, or a good ol' fashion bar argument that the winner has a pint comin' to them.

HATE...watching any news program that treats Battle of the fucking Blades, or The Bachelor, or American Idol as a news story. NO! THIS IS NOT A NEWS ITEM...IT'S A FUCKING COMMERCIAL FOR A PROGRAM THAT WILL BE ON THE AIR LATER, ON YOUR SHITTY, GODFORSAKEN CHANNEL!!!! I'm basically down to PBS and BBC news. I mean, they're the only one's left that realize that a protest in Libya is more important than who's gonna be the next loser off the fucking island!

Let's go back to the DAMMY's, shall we...........

BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: (envelope please) Oh!!!! For the first time in our long (????) history it's a tie! The winners are... THE TREE OF LIFE and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO!!!! Yes, two very different films, made by two of the best directors of our time, Terrance Malick and David Fincher, respectively. Both are masters of great visuals and atmosphere. Both films also have something else in common...both are either loved very, very much...or detested very, very much!!!! There is no middle ground in this one. Now, if you're one of the aforementioned haters of these 2 films, and wonder why I would put them right at the top of the list, there's an easy answer. I have great taste in film...and you have shitty taste, and wouldn't know a good movie if it hit you with a 2 by 4!!!! Now scat...don't even argue with me...just go watch your Transformers 4 , or any movie that Kate Hudson stars in (not including Almost Famous, of course). God, I love being condescending and holier than thou when it comes to movies!

Now to be fair, there are so many movies that I have yet to see that have gotten great reviews,
eg; The Artist, Hugo, Carnage, Shame, Drive, and at least another dozen...but those two were easy winners out of what I've seen this year. Actually, I wholeheartedly agree with what I've read from more than one film critic, this has been a year full of great performances...but not Great films.

WORST MOVIE of the YEAR: TRESPASS, starring Nick Cage, and Nicole Kidman. WHAT?????!...Look with Cage you gotta go in knowing that there's a 96.3 % chance that it's gonna stink to high heaven, but NICOLE????!!!! Huh??!!! Did you really need the money THAT badly????!!!

BEST TV SHOW of the YEAR: BREAKING BAD ('nuff said, but it would be nice if Mad Men got over it, and came back on the air!)

WORST TV SHOW of the YEAR: Look buddy, you don't have the time, nor I, the space, to list them all...there's a good chance that if it's on network television, it's on the list. Excluded, is NBC's Prime Suspect. No, not even close to the BBC's version, which starred the incredibly gifted Helen Mirren, but for an American network show...not bad at all.

BEST BURGER I'VE HAD ALL YEAR: The house special burger (rare) at Allen's on the Danforth, in Toronto. It's probably the only burger I had all year (What? I told ya I was eating better this/last year), but it was such an orgasmatronic-heavenly dining experience that it still brings saliva to my mouth just at the thought of it. In fact I'm drooling as I type (you really didn't want to picture that, did ya?).

BEST MARTINI of the YEAR: INSOMNIA (563 Bloor St. W. at Bathurst, in Toronto)

BEST BARTENDER of the YEAR Who Understands What Ya Mean, When You Say "Dirty, With Extra Olives", and Still Refuses to Flirt Back at You, Though She Has Her Reasons: DAMARA HUYNH (Insomnia)
...and No,neither Damara, nor Insomnia have paid me in any way for this publicity...thoughhhhhhhhhhh it wouldn't hurt them either, if they started sending over a few martinis or tequila shots, gratis, as I sit there at the end of the bar, sketching, writing, or hopelessly hitting on someone.

Now, Ive been hearing through the grapevine (by the name of Elaine) that my blogs are too long...soooooooo....we'll end part 1, here...and I'll post part 2, tomorrow, or next week, or..............

I leave you with my only mantra/resolution for 2012:

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go."
-T.S. Elliot

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