THE GREAT MOVIE HEIST '09 (Part 2)

So...where were we??? Oh yes...we had gone through the movie listings, pocket sized notebook in hand, trying to find a theatre that is showing 3 or 4 films that are on my "To See" list...Bingo! Oh good it's a Cineplex-Odeon...the big honcho...Nice!!! Just a 15 minute walk away from Casa DAMMIT! too...vunderful!!! Hmmmmmmm....they're playing 4 films from my list..next, and this is where you have to do some calculating and some guess work...so yes being a genius/criminal mastermind comes in handy. If movie A starts at this time...I have 10 minutes before movie B starts! Now, and pay close attention kiddies...you have to keep in mind that if the listing says ....say 1pm...the movie itself probably won't start until 20 minutes or so later, depending on such time wasters as commercials of cute polar bears drinking Coca-Cola, and don't forget ALL those Coming Soons that WILL give away the whole plot....so that has to be factored into the blue print!This part can take awhile to figure out, sometimes rather frustrating...I mean, hey... 4 full movies...have patience and keep your eye always on the prize ...which is???? That's right...good for you... watching a wad of films, while at the same time fucking these giant Money Machines, a.k.a., "THE MAN", for charging so much for a movie, and even more for the bare necessities like popcorn and pop!!!!

OK...so this heist went down in January of this year...almost a year ago...so, like I said, lots of Oscar quality movies were playing all at once. The movies I pick for this particular special day of cinema thievery are, in order of viewing; Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, Doubt, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I leave my apartment with my ever present portfolio, which contains, among other things, my sketch book (which I never leave home without, plus I'm planning on keeping a journal of this day), a book (to read just in case you have to sit in an empty theatre with half an hour or so to kill before the next film starts...I mean, really...you CAN NOT read those stupid free movie magazines they have waiting for ya there...it actually hurts and bruises the fucking brain...YES! THAT DUMB!!!), snacks like almonds, M&Ms, a sandwich, couple o' cans of Diet Pepsi, bottle of water, etc. This way, you don't give "THEM" the satisfaction of charging you 45 bux for confectioneries.

Ok...were at the box office, look up at the board and have a curious look on your mug...act like, "Oh my, what time does my movie start?"...very good, nice piece of acting there Brando... Step #1: Buy ticket for the first movie on your list, like I said, for me it happened to be Slumdog Millionaire...smile at the ticket taker, and memorize what he/she looks like, this is very important 'cus they can become a big problem 4 or 5 hours later. Next, a very, very important step #2; This is when you pull out your pocket sized note book, and as you slowly, casually, inconspicuously make your way to the men's/ladies room at the other end of the corridor, you are scanning and writing down the number of the cinema that your movie's are playing. Remember, you know what time your movie's start, but up 'til now, you didn't know the exact location of said crime scene. Ahhhh...very nice Milk is in cinema 4, nicely positioned directly across from Slumdog...very good...very good.

Step 3; Nonchalantly, walk into the assigned cinema. I sit down, middle row, aisle seat, get comfortable, take out snacks and beverage and the lights grow dim...and enjoy the magic that is the art of film! Shit...set your cell phone on vibrate Joey!!!...credits...hmmmmm.... very good movie...but Oscar????....don't think so (DOH!!!)...3:18pm...end credits still running...I casually walk across the hall, no more than 15 steps...I tell myself my new mantra, "be cool...be Barack"...and a minute later I'm in cinema 4, in my seat. Wait, gotta go to the can! That's okay...the first commercial just started...in fact...ahhhh...what the hell, it's the movies...go ahead buy yourself a popcorn and pop (see, it's happening)...be cool...pay what seems like your life savings, feel guilty about all that butter, but hey...the ticket taker (which you should never take your eyes off) doesn't even look in your direction...back in my comfy seat in time to still watch 2 more coming soons...(Oh boy a movie about college kids who have lotsa sex, party a lot, and throw up on their date!!!...NOT!)...now, watch Milk!

6:00pm on the dot, just as I had calculated...very nice m'man...now it's time to push your luck, make it a little more exciting...you only live once...Doubt doesn't start for another 40 minutes, let's head to the V.I.P. lounge and have a beer..."be cool... be Barack"...check out the ticket taker. YES!!! A new ticket taker is on duty! Looking very confident (this is very important...body language will always give ya away), I saunter into the V.I.P. lounge and order a beer...HOW MUCH???!!!...for a bottle of fucking BEER???!!!...fine, fine...this is a vacation of sorts. Oh, what the hell (huh?), have a second one, still time to kill...Hey...it's a heist...you gotta spend some to make some! Down that baby...man...Sean Penn was brilliant, as usual, in Milk...bet he takes the golden statue home this year! Get up, don't even put on your coat, you're living dangerously man...it's like having sex some place that there's a chance of getting caught...makes it that much more exciting (what?..of course...why, you haven't???)!!! Then thank the nice man behind the bar/counter, and I make my way to watch Doubt which should be starting in less than 5 minutes.

Ahhhhhh...our third movie of the day...feelin' a little tired, kinda burned out...must be the beer making me feel a little...sleepy? Yes, another good film...you can't go wrong with a movie that pits a prudish, bitchy Meryl Streep, as a nun, against the always great Philip Seymour Hoffman, as a priest!!!...credits up...Benjamin Button, directed by one of my all time favourite directors David Fincher, starts in about 15 minutes...and again...right across the hall...easy as a hot knife through butter. But, as I slowly make my way down the (too) dark steps on my way out.. I'm really feeling pooped...and shit man...Button is supposedly 3 hours or so long!


I'm standing in the middle of the hallway...just in front of me, cinema 6 and a fourth film...to my left...the exit...and nice warm apartment...I hesitate a moment longer...What the fuck...we can do this again next week, and hey, Gran Torino is also playing here...and you'll feel fresher. Home it is!!! As I'm walking along Bloor Street, I start calculating to myself....hmmmmm...13 bux for the first movie...10 or more bux for the popcorn and pop...14 for beer, not including the fuckin' tip that I just had to give the guy who is only making less than minimum wage...aaaaaaannnndddd...wait a minute.. that's..what?????... 39! 40 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!! Yup, "THE MAN" beat me again...3 movies...40 FUCKING BUX!!!!! SOME FUCKING HEIST GENIUS!!!

So this January... Whoah...lots to watch still...A Serious Man, which I hear is GREAT (It's the Coen's...come on!!!), is playing this week at The Bloor Cinema...brilliant (The Bloor's cool...leave 'em alone)!!! And then...I still have; Up In The Air, A Single Man, An Education, Precious and Fantastic Mr. Fox to watch...God I hope they're all playing at THAT same theatre, I got me some BIG GET EVEN to do!!!!!!!!


Joey DAMMIT!